One of the strangest aspects of working in a DV shelter is that you meet so many people that you will likely (hopefully) never see again. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to learning so many intimate details about a person’s life within minutes of meeting them. During an intake I learn more about a person’s life in the first 10 minutes than I would over a year’s time with a new acquaintance. It’s a unique aspect of this job to skip over the social formalities and go straight to the uncomfortable questions. I guess it would be even stranger if I thought it was normal. 

Texas

We have a regular prank caller. We refer to him as “Texas” because that’s usually what appears on the caller ID. The caller is obviously a man, but he usually tries to disguise his voice as female. He calls a couple times in a few days every several months. We use him as sort of an initiation to working there. You’re not a real employee until you’ve dealt with his calls! Quite often he calls from a pay phone, but recently he has been using a private number. We aren’t sure what his deal is, but he seems to “get off” on calling. Some of our theories are that he has suffered abuse previously and now he is a little unstable, maybe he calls other shelters across the country and we’re just one on the list. We’ll likely never find out. 

His story has only recently changed. For example, I spoke to him yesterday and he claimed to be a man. He always asks and stresses he doesn’t want any judgement. Normally of course that wouldn’t be issue. He always explains in graphic detail some sexual abuse scenario or sexual encounter- but not ever what could be viewed as a normal situation. He always asks if something is punishment or abuse. Was it justified what happened or was it cruel? He wants your opinion. It’s really bizarre. 

In the past we’ve assumed he’s been, uh, pleasuring himself? Yesterday I heard what sounded like a vibrator turning on and off in the background. The scenario he described was his mother walking in on him ‘jerking off’ then stating she had never seen ‘one so big’. Of course I knew who it was long before he got to that point, but it’s usually pretty entertaining so we let him talk a while. I was very busy when this call happened, so I didn’t have time to listen to such a waste of time. It was hilarious trying to take him seriously while dealing with other people in and out of the office. We have one male employee, when he answers Texas hangs up, apparently that doesn’t do it for him! While we do find it amusing most of the time, he is truly wasting important resources. I want to point out that we have other phone lines, so by allowing him to talk we aren’t preventing other calls from coming in.

Scary Reminder

At work the other day an abuser showed up. I’m not confident how he got the location, but it’s possible he followed her, but more likely that she told him. Obviously one of the rules of staying in a safe house is to not give out the address, but unfortunately not everyone follows it. When an abuser discovers the location it puts everyone in danger. In this instance she stepped outside the front door, he grabbed her by the arm, the arm that just had it’s cast removed from their last encounter. He slammed her into the front door a few times. Staff contacted 911 during the first few seconds of the incident. The door had automatically locked behind her so she was essentially pinned in a very dangerous position. It all happened very quickly. Staff opened the door as quickly as possible allowing her to sort of stumble back in the door and stunning him long enough for him to let go. The door was shut and triple locked in his face. He proceeded to beat/ kick the door and ring the door bell incessantly. 

The entire encounter probably took 1.5 minutes, but it felt much longer. It was an eye opening experience. It was a reminder of just how important the job/purpose of the shelter is. It showed a few flaws in our system that will need to be worked out. It has inspired a group desire to learn some forms of self defense and to always be prepared. 

In the end the lady was shaken, but physically okay. The police arrived and did their job- the y were familiar with the abuser. The next morning we assisted in getting her relocated to a new and safer shelter. Also ran a quick google search of the abuser’s name, I don’t recommend doing that in the future. It provided a full page of mugshots and his criminal record, ranging from domestic battery to drug charges, to a police stand off and armed robbery. 

Another way to celebrate Valentine’s Day

 

Happy Valentine’s Day

Tags

domesticviolence, love, valentinesday

I thought this photo was appropriate for today. I hope everyone has a happy and safe Valentine’s Day ❤

Along came a spider…

So I’m sitting at work. We have a large screen TV in the office which displays all of our security cameras.  It’s not unusual to see the occasional stray animal or small bug fly past. For some reason I had one of the cameras enlarged- taking up the entire screen. When I looked up I saw a spider crawling across the lens, that appeared to be 2 feet across!! I realize it’s not actually that size, but in that brief moment my life flashed before my eyes – along with this image :

 

 

It’s the little things that happen when you’re working on a quiet night 🙂

 

One of the downsides…

One of the downsides to working at a DV shelter is that with so many different people and children, it’s nearly impossible to avoid at least a small cold. It’s currently being passed around. I babysat a 5 month old last week, I blame her, but she was awfully cute, so it was worth it! I will try to update properly soon.

Thanks for your patience,

Suzie

Just A Brief Introduction

Tags

domesticviolence, dvshelter, shelter, women

Hi,

I suppose I should begin this with a few details about myself. My name is Suzie, I’ve worked at a domestic violence shelter for just over a year. While domestic violence is no laughing matter- a house full of women certainly is! For obvious reasons I won’t be revealing where I work or any details that may reveal true identities. Each woman and child has their own story, some worse than others, but all experiencing a trauma. I’ll be trying to update this weekly with some crazy tale of what has happened in the shelter or a story one of them has shared.

I’ll start with how we operate. The shelter is a house, in the middle of a typical neighborhood. It’s location is a poorly kept secret. It’s been in the same location for 30+ years, so in a town of less than 50k people, at some point people have donated to us, stayed with us, or known someone who has. We run off of donations, grants, and government funding. We have a board of directors who oversee major decisions in our operation. In what used to be the formal living room, just across from the dining turned storage room, we have our office. During normal business hours we have a counselor, case manager, shelter manager, legal advocate, and the executive director. There is an employee there 24 hrs a day, always watching the cameras. Women living here are required to meet weekly with the counselor and case manager in order to take their first steps toward independence. Shelter manager mainly deals with shopping for the house (groceries, cleaning supplies, etc.) but also arranges fundraising events. The shelter has 7 rooms ranging in size from 1 bed to 4+. We have a playroom for the kids, which can also serve as a handicapped accessible room if necessary.

In order to become a resident, women call here, we gather their information, information about their abuser, whether they are bringing kids with them and the situation they need away from. Many women are nervous to provide abuser information for fear they will be upset, but it’s for our records only – in other words it doesn’t go to the police. The women are required to provide abuser details in order to prove domestic violence. We have a lot of homeless that know about us – I guess we provide better accommodations than the city mission/homeless shelter. We are specifically an emergency homeless shelter. People must be in fear for their safety for us to accept them. It’s a hard thing to judge in a 5- 10 minute conversation over the phone.

We have rules for the residents, a 9 o’clock curfew for their safety, zero tolerance alcohol and drug policy, as well as household chores they share. There is also a three strike policy in place. We encourage the residents to go to the magistrate and get a DVP or Domestic Violence Protective order – restraining order. We provide 3 well balanced meals per day – the residents don’t always love that, but they’re allowed to bring in and cook what they choose.

That covers most of the basics. I’m sure I’ll think of more later, but those details will likely come in handy in future stories.

Thanks for reading, hope you’ll visit this page again 🙂

Suzie

Some statistics

Tags

domesticviolence, statistics

• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime

• An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

• 85% of domestic violence victims are women.

• Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.

• Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.

• Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.